The Colbert Report/Episode/591
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro Sarah Palin's Free! * it's a poignant evening ** The Greatest Maveratrix Ever stepped down yesterday as governor of Alaska * Americans mourned the Alaskan way: ** by committing manslaughter in the lower 48 and fleeing to the Yukon * at first Sir Dr. Colbert was devastated; but now he sees the bright side: ** Sarah Palin is free! She can finally spread her wings and fly *** in a helicopter to shoot wolves * she resigned with a year and a half left in her first term ** so that Alaska wouldn't have a lame duck governor * Now she has a million-dollar book deal ** she quits writing on the tenth page, because since the book will end anyway, she chooses to leave the last 200 pages blank *** Stephen's Mob is excited about her book * Sir Dr. Colbert has always been impressed with her eloquence, saving the most eloquence for her farewell speech: :soaring through nature's finest show. :Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun. :And then the extremes. In the winter time it's the frozen road :that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, :the cold though, doesn't it split :the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs? :And then in the summertime such extreme :summertime :about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter :than just some months ago, than :just some months from now, :with fireweed blooming :along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing :and carving :and reminding us that here, :Mother Nature wins. :It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild :good life teeming along the road that is :north to the future.Gawker * Stephen was so moved, he wanted to pay homage to her by saying goodbye to her in the same manner he imagines she writes her own speeches * Sir Dr. Colbert retrieved a red and black checkered hunting cap from The C-Desk and began ... :Sarah; (pulling a slip of paper from the cap which read) :FREEDOMS : THAT : MAY SAY AND TO THOSE SOME : PIPELINE : THOSE BRAVE SOLDIERS : MACHINES : AROUND WITH : THE STARFISH : But, mostly Sarah, you'll be missed because you are the ... : AMERICAN : of : CHOICE OF TOPPINGS Truer words were never randomly generated. Law Enforcement & Tasers * our gun rights are under attack from bleeding hearts ** and not just those who've been shot * Americans can compensate with a taser ** when you really want to shoot someone, but killing them seems like overkill * America's Founding Fathers would have included the taser in the Constitution, if Franklin had perfected his design in time ** the glitch was convincing the criminal to hold the kite string * the original purpose of the taser was the painful hazing ritual for local newsmen ** there's even a new Emmy category: Best Involuntary Spasms *** one caveat: you have to be tased first (Sorry Glenn Beck) * Tasers can also be used to subdue anyone who doesn't obey you ** tasers can make people detained by the police get more on the grounder * in a new segment called Stephen Colbert's Current Events * tasers have long been used to take down rampaging criminals ** like 72-year-old great grandmother Kathryn Winkfein (YouTube) ** Ms. Winkfein threatened to castrate a police officer with a 12-inch bowie knife (refused to sign her parking ticket) ** then made him shove her ** ultimately uttering the three words that gave him no choice but to pull out his taser: :::Winkfein said, "I dare you." * standard police procedure is to tase on the first dare ** on a double-dog dare, you sic two dogs on the perp * defibrillating old ladies seems to be "fine" ** Officer Bieze merely pre-fibrillated Winkfein for a heart attack she may have in the future (say from being shocked with 50,000 volts) * she should write Officer Bieze a "thank you note" once her hand stops spasming * Tasers are effective tools for any law enforcement situation * Suddenly, Sir Dr. Colbert's Conscience appears ** this may be their first meeting * Stephen's Conscience tries to gently let Stephen know that nothing justifies electrocuting a great grandmother ** But ... (Stephen tries to interject) * Stephen's Conscience attempts to persuade Stephen that just because the police have tasers doesn't mean they have to use them on every single defenseless person who happens to disagree ... ** Stephen suggests that police should use tear gas instead *** Stephen's Conscience tries to clarify ** Stephen offers instead night sticks *** Stephen's Conscience again disagrees ** Stephen asks if attack dogs would be preferable *** once again Stephen's Conscience tries to control the conversation ** Stephen asks if firehoses would be better *** frustrated Stephen's Conscience demands a taser to get Stephen to stop talking SEGMENT3 * America is nothing if not a nation of laws * Henry Louis Gates was outraged after being arrested for breaking and entering his own home ** he should walk a mile in the policeman's shoes *** then arrested for shoenapping * Sir Dr. Colbert has done his part ** he's made over 100 Citizen's Arrests ** and dozens more Citizen's Lethal Injections * he's proud to present another award-eligible report about criminals getting their due, with another edition of: ** Nailed 'Em * crime is on the rise * public libraries are not safe from crime ** communities decide who is taxed and how much to support them * public libraries depend on everyone following the rules ** without the rules there would be total chaos * Dominic Philip is fine with total chaos ** his mother says he is addicted to reading and is obsessed about when they will go to the library next ** his sister calls him a "nerd" ** he circled the Nazareth Library Summer Reading program on his calendar weeks in advance * Dominic lead a parade through the library ** tooting a kazoo ** it was covered in the local paper *** fame is part of the high * the news story revealed that Philip lived in nearby Tatamy, Pennsylvania, which does not pay any taxes to support the library ** making the Tatamy residents ineligible to use the library * Sir Dr. Colbert says to throw the book at him, but he'd just read it Interview * Movits! ** Official Tube ** MySpace * tonight's guest is a swing, hip-hop, jazz band ** for anyone expecting a swing, hip-hop blues band, you're out of luck * they are Swedish and a few years behind America ** they only knew Sir Dr. Colbert from his time on The Daily Show * the only things to rap about in Sweden are: ** lingonberries ** they no longer control Norway ** and apple thieves * they are from a socialist country ** where people have to cut their hair the same length and wear the same glasses *** they believe Americans should have socialized healthcare * they do not know anyone on the Nobel Prize Committee ** in order for them to get Stephen one of those prizes you have to know the King ** if he were to visit, they will do what they can to introduce them Performance * "Fel Del Av Gården" (from their new album 'Appelknyckarjazz') Epilogue * Sir Dr. Colbert thanked his guests Movits! then wished The Heroes a goodnight Gallery This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here File:MagicalPalinSpeechCap.jpg File:StephenCradlesTaser.jpg File:NewEmmyBestInvoluntarySpasms.jpg File:Stephen'sConscienceTasersStephen.jpg File:DominicGotNailed.jpg File:IntroMovits!7-27-2009.jpg File:ColbertReacts2SwedishKnowledge.jpg File:SwedishRapTopics.jpg Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments